This is Probably Why Online Dating Gets a Bad Rap

Courtesy of aprilanthena7.com.

Courtesy of aprilanthena7.com.

Let me preface this post by saying that the majority of messages I receive on this online dating site I’m on are of the benign, if slightly unoriginal, variety. (Hi beautiful; How r u? What r u up 2? Wanna chat? Just wanted to say you have beautiful eyes! Hey Cutie, etc). Really, online dating hasn’t been nearly as bad as people make it out to be and I’ve gotten some really nice, interesting and thought out messages. I’ve even gone out with some pretty nice guys, although nothing’s really panned out so far. And because I’m not brave enough to initiate any messages myself, I’m really in no place to judge…but I’m going to anyway. Every once in a while I get a message that makes me laugh (and sometimes cringe) but mostly laugh because some guys are just so…confident and straightforward. That’s really the best way to put it. I won’t include screen names because I’d feel like a jerk, but here are some of my recent favorites:

The married guy looking for some fun on the side: I saw your profile and thought I should say hi! Just to be up-front, I’m a married guy looking for a bit of a fling, hopefully with someone friendly and fun to be around. My apologies if you’re not at all interested in this. Happy to chat either way.

While I appreciate his straightforwardness regarding his situation, I have a feeling his wife probably doesn’t know her husband is looking for a fun fling with someone friendly.

The shameless hustler: Would you be interested in a mutually beneficial encounter? I am very talented and can teach you a lot.

Don Juan went on to describe his talents in detail as well as what he would teach me. I’ll let your imagination do the work.

The guy who promised too much: You are so VERY sexy.  I’ll love to take you on a date…coffee…dinner…a marriage…whatever you have time for.

Quite a jump from date to marriage.

The guy who drank too much coffee: Hello good morning nice to meet you how is your day going today???!!!! and you look really pretty and beautiful in your pictures!!! And I would like to get to know you and chat I’m ___ in ____ here is my number ____!!!! so text me text me text me your beautiful 🙂 🙂 🙂 so text me aww your cute!!!!???!!!

I’m all for enthusiasm, but this guy’s punctuation is out of control.

The Unexpected proposition: I am very masculine but enjoy the company of a beautiful woman who is feminine and intelligent, but who also has a dominant side in certain ways…some refer to what I’m looking for as a domme/sub relationship. I want a normal relationship with elements involving me being submissive to you in and out of the bedroom at times. Great taste in film, by the way.

This after two messages!

BigPapaDingleDongle:  Hi, I just wanted to say that I think you are so damned pretty…I think that you look good, and probably talk good and smell good too…”

First of all, this guy’s real screen name isn’t BigPapaDingleDongle. I don’t want to use people’s real screen names, no matter how ungentlemanly they are, but I think my moniker for him truly captures the essence of his online persona.This may seem P.G enough, but it’s BigPapaDingleDongle’s profile that truly captured my attention. This guy has a very special place in the very tiny (quickly shriveling) online dating section of my heart. Here are some interesting facts about BigPapaDingleDongle: He has many diverse interests, many of which he shares with Ludacris and Sir-Mix-Alot, he works out because he “likes to look good naked,” has pictures to prove it and is the kind of guy your mama has warned you about. His words, not mine. The rest of his profile was too X-rated to post on my blog. Let’s just say BigPapaDingleDongle was VERY Boastful and VERY confident.

 Feel free to read more about my online and real-life dating adventures here.


Categories: D.C Dating Scene, Online Dating

Tags: , , , ,

14 replies

  1. Wow – I totally know what you’re going through. I’m also starting the online dating thing, haven’t met anyone yet, but have received plenty of entertaining messages. At least they’re good for a laugh! Maybe I’ll dig through mine and post some classics here…

  2. I Nominate you for a Special Bouquet of Awards – 3 Nominations

    please accept it and oblige

    there are no linkbacks for this award

    http://ajaytao2010.wordpress.com/2013/06/15/a-bouquet-of-special-awards-3-nominations/

  3. This post drive a straight line to my funny bone. I did the online dating gig for the better part of 6 months, and you really do walk away with some amazing stories, a few dates, and a few “wow…that really just happened” moments.

    All the examples you talked about I just chalked up to the guy copy-and-pasting the same message to dozens of other women and hoping one would bite. (BTW, LOL @ BigPapaDingleDongle. Surprised he didn’t throw in a “you got a purdy mouth.”)

    Thanks for stopping by my page. Your writing is very entertaining and so relatable!

    – Samantha

  4. Have you seen http://www.metrohotcars.com yet? It’s a parody, but every DC lover really should know about it. And the WMATA outrage backstory that happened….they are pretty upset about it and are threatening a lawsuit. Btw, I ❤ your DC based blog… I've been on hiatus for the past few years with my husband with the military, but I'm a DC native, NoVa/MD….it's my soul city.

    • Hi, thanks for the comment! I will definitely check that out… and perhaps blog about it! I’m starting to love D.C as well. I’m a lifelong DMV area resident, but I feel like I’m just now starting to get to know D.C!

      • I’m actually going to start posting more past DC shannanigans on my blog soon, along with my frequent visits I still make (and we should be moving back I hope). I also have a couple photo sets of all the memorials on my Flickr photostream linked to my blog. For me D.C. is where all sorts of ridiculousness happened I guess, for a city that’s viewed by the rest of the country to be so uptight with its head up its ass…. Haha

      • Well, it is uptight in a way…everyone is so driven, motivated, fit, smart, educated, political, etc, but it’s also fascinating and dynamic!

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