I’m Single, Rich (OK, that part’s a lie) and Blind as a Bat

Let’s start with the good news: 

1.) I’m officially single.  Time to get my Beyoncé on:

(Beyoncé’s Single Ladies, in case YouTube decides I’m infringing on copyright rules).

Seriously I’ve played this song at least 10 times today. And it made me feel like this:

(Celebrate — Cool and the Gang).

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am officially divorced — I’m a single lady and it feels so good. So who wants to go out this Friday? I want to be on the dance floor, taking Lil Jon’s advice:

(Shots Lil Jon — Yeah, I know it’s a little old, but I was out of the country for four years. I missed out on a lot).

Lesson learned: I think it’s important to learn something from every experience. What did I learn from this experience? Do not get married when socially isolated, impoverished and bored in a foreign country. It probably won’t end well.  But oh well, time for a new, happier chapter in my life.  As Edith Piaf would say:

(Edith Piaf — No Regrets. No one captures emotion like Edith and a bottle of red wine).

So thanks to my family and friends for all their help and support during the last eight months!

2.) Second piece of good news: I got a real job. A 9-5 job with benefits, sick leave and vacation pay. What does this mean for me? It means the end of an era. Goodbye, part-time, contract, no benefits jobs and laid back lifestyle.  It also means a 90% raise.  Jay-Z knows how I feel:

OK, I think I should stop posting songs now in case YouTube decides to sue me or something.

I guess this whole regular full-time job thing puts the final nail on my metaphorical nomad coffin. Does this mean I’m a grownup now? I can finally afford to go out…but I probably won’t have time to.

Now the bad news: 

About a month ago, I ordered a pair of glasses blindly from eyebuydirect.com and they only cost $30. I loved them. They were maroon and orange and I felt pretty cool wearing them. I went from being a normal girl to a girl who wore glasses — and not just any glasses — horn-rimmed maroon and orange glasses — and I liked it. Me and my glasses were inseparable. Sometimes, I even showered and slept in them. That’s how much I loved them. I was ridiculously, despicably vain about them and took tons of selfies making “sexy” faces. Like this one:
When it was slow at work, I'd take pictures of myself.

When it was slow at work, I’d take pictures of myself.

or this one:

I know...it was seriously out of control. But don't worry. Keep reading and find out how the good Lord above punished me for my vanity.

I know…it was seriously out of control. But don’t worry. Keep reading and find out how the good Lord above punished me for my vanity.

Last week, one fateful day, I was feeling lazy but decided that I should just go out to Four Mile Run and go for a jog. I really, really didn’t feel like going, but I’d indulged in some 7-Eleven beef taquitos (I know I’ve talked about avoiding 7-Eleven food at all costs but those taquitos have some kind of inexplicable power over me. I’m driving past 7-Eleven and suddenly, my car is turning into the parking lot on its own). Anyway, I knew I needed to burn off some extra calories, so I took Nike’s advice and decided to just do it. Bad advice, Nike!

So there I was on Four Mile Run, getting my jog on. I don’t mind jogging at a snail’s pace around my neighborhood because I’m not trying to impress anyone — most of the people I run into in good old Centreville are either 20 years older or 20 years younger than me. But on Four-Mile Run everyone is young and fit, so I felt I had to step it up a little and run faster. And I did. Really, I had to be running at least 3 miles per hour. In fact, I was running so fast  that my glasses fogged up and had no choice but to take them off and hook them into my shirt. After I could run no more (about three minutes later) I slowed down, grabbed my side and gasped for air. I could tell the sexy six-pack guy running past me was not impressed but you can only fake it for so long. So I reached for my glasses…and they weren’t there! My beloved glasses had flown off my chest at some point over the last three minutes.

At this point, I was nervous, but not yet in total despair. I decided to retrace my steps. I looked kind of like this:

(Please note…I’m not making fun of this family. Just trying to paint a visual. And as a happy side note, with physical therapy, all the siblings learned to walk on two feet).

So I was looking and looking, but it turns out that I couldn’t really see much without my glasses and to this day, they remain lost. I called the Arlington Park Administration to see if they have a lost and found, but they don’t. Is it possible my glasses are gone forever? I tried ordering an identical pair, but of course, they don’t make them anymore.

If anyone finds a pair of maroon and orange glasses, please let me know.

But despite the loss of my glasses, I feel good right now. I’m sitting at a cafe, just spent $16 on a cappuccino and a mini Quiche (gotta love Northern Virginia ), I have a week off before starting my new job, I’m officially divorced (seriously all you gringas out their who find my blog  asking Google if Colombian men make good husbands — think twice. Just sayin’), I’m going to have decent health insurance in two weeks AND I can take a paid vacation in three months. Life is good. 



Categories: Family, Me, Me, Me, Self-improvement, Vanity

8 replies

  1. Hey Jiji its been a long time but stopped by your blog and well they had me cracking up. Youre a very talented writer!

Trackbacks

  1. “Son can you play me a memory? I’m not really sure how it goes, but it’s sad and it’s sweet…” | A Nomad Life
  2. You Get What You Give | A Nomad Life
  3. My Maroon and Orange Glasses Are Gone Forever and I Look Like a Creep in My New Glasses | My (Former) Nomad Life
  4. The Sad Case of the Disappointing Pay Check | My (Former) Nomad Life
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