So if you’ve spent any time with me over the last week or so, you know I’ve been in the mood for doom and gloom. Instead of spending my week off between jobs being productive and curious, I spent it watching tragic/depressing black and white movies and listening to “Celine Dion Radio (think mid 90’s “impossible love” ballads) and Ne me Quitte Pas Radio on Pandora.
Sure, it’s cheesy and it looks like he put Vaseline all over his face to fake tears, but who wouldn’t get a little sad watching Jacques Brel’s emotional rendition of Ne Me Quitte Pas? I wonder who he was thinking about while he sang…
Why was I so glum you ask? I think there were several factors. First, my divorce went through. Although I’ve been working hard to make this happen for months and wanted nothing more than for it to be over, I actually felt quite sad in the days after getting the paperwork.I guess I’ve been so focused on getting the divorce over and done with and moving on with my life that I hadn’t allowed myself to stop and think. I have no regrets and I am absolutely sure it was the right decision, but I think on some level, I was waiting for my ex-husband to call or e-mail me and ask me if there was anything he could do to help me, to let me know he appreciated my efforts before, during and after our marriage, and, most importantly, to tell me he was sorry I had to go through this whole process alone. Well, I waited for eight months and never got that email. It’s not an easy thing to accept that the person you were with during a significant chunk of your life just can’t be bothered. In the end we all want to feel that our time and efforts are valued, especially by those people closest to us, but I suppose the situation is what it is and there’s nothing left to do but to move on. And make better choices in the future.
Yeah, I would have loved if my ex-husband had sent me this song, but I would have settled for an email!
Today, I decided to change the radio to a Billie Holiday station. No, not exactly the most cheerful of stations, but a definite improvement over my previous musical selections, I’d say!. And there are some good/exciting things happening in my life and I was able to focus on them a little more today. For example:
1.) Cubicle life is not so bad. In fact, it’s kind of nice working closely with other people on a day-to-day basis. My job is very clinical and fast-paced and requires a lot of mental engagement, which is a nice change of pace from the jobs I’ve had over the last few years. I am probably the youngest person in the office by at least 15 years, so it’ll be kind of interesting to bring a different perspective to the office. PLUS I signed up for the “BMW” health insurance plan and it’s still $80 less than what I’m paying for my current crappy plan! AND when I go to work, I feel pretty confident I’m doing something positive for the community and helping people out in some way. That’s always a nice feeling.
2.) I signed up for my work gym….and it’s a pretty nice gym! Yeah, I’ll probably go five times the first week then return only sporadically afterwards, but for $9 a month, I won’t feel bad about it! But I’m really, really going to make an effort, because I really miss the way I felt when I looked like this:
3.) I have a 15 minute commute. I’d say that’s something to be thankful for.
4.) I think I’m going to go to Colombia over Thanksgiving break. It’s been almost two years since I’ve seen my grandma and the thought of spending my afternoons having onces of chocolate con queso with all the old ladies in the building makes me feel happy. As does the thought of drinking aguardiente out of plastic shot “glasses” while “dancing” Cumbia and Vallenato in La Zona T.
5.) I’m free to move on. I’m healthy. I have a job I think I’ll like and I won’t have to worry so much money now. I have great friends and family. I have the best rent deal in the world (thanks Mom!) and I have time to do what I want.
So I think everything is going to be great. Maybe tomorrow I’ll move on to Bon Jovi Radio or something.