As some of you may know, I sadly lost my favorite glasses when I went for a jog on Four Mile Run about a month ago. It was a sad moment in my personal history but I made the brave decision to move on with my life. It took a while (and involved many calls/e-mails to the Arlington Parks Department just in case someone turned them in — no one did) but I eventually got to the point where I felt strong enough to order a new pair. And guess what? My new glasses make me look like a complete creep. I don’t mean they just look bad (although believe me, they do) — this goes way beyond looking bad. If I were a guy, mothers wouldn’t let their children near me. That’s how creepy I look.
As you may or may not know, I recently got into buying glasses online. You can’t try them on so you never know how they’re going to look, but I’ve had good luck so far and haven’t paid more than $30.00. About a month ago I watched a movie called How to Marry a Millionaire with Marilyn Monroe. In the movie, she wears these great, horn-rimmed, white-accented glasses and she looks fabulous. So I decided to go online and search for a similar pair. I bought the closest thing I found…a pair of horn-rimmed white glasses with yellow arms/temples (is that really you call side parts that go around your ear?). I knew it was a risky move and I was taking a chance here, but I also knew it was unlikely anyone else in the world would have these glasses. It was, in other words, my chance at greatness. Well, accessory-related greatness, anyway. I went a little crazy and decided to go with the gradient option (which basically means they turn into sunglasses in the sun). Altogether they cost $29.95 which was kind of splurge, but I was feeling pretty good about my choice. You gotta live dangerously sometimes.
Yesterday they finally arrived in the mail and I have some bad news: I’m no Marilyn Monroe. I’ve decided that to pull off white, horn-rimmed glasses “cute” isn’t going to cut it. You better be Marilyn-Monroe-level hot if you’re going to experiment with unconventional glasses. Kind of like cutting your hair short. You really shouldn’t do that unless you’re Natalie Portman or Halle Berry. Anyway, back to the glasses…the fact that they’re white is bad enough. I look like I’m wearing some kind of weird costume when I put them on, like this has to be some kind of gag/joke and I can’t be taking myself seriously…but the whole “gradient-fill” makes me look ridiculous. I feel like that creepy middle-aged neighbor living in their mom’s basement from some ’80s movie every time they turn into sunglasses . I’m feeling pretty sad about this situation.
Marilyn Monroe in her horn-rimmed white glasses:
Me in my white, horn-rimmed glasses:
I mean, you can see my eyes through these “supposed” sunglasses. It doesn’t get creepier than that, does it? Hopefully I’ll have better luck next time. Or maybe I can dress up like Lady Gaga next Halloween.