Of Searches and Hits: When Not to Wear a Thong and the Chubby Hiker

When I have nothing to write about I turn to search term posts. They’re always fun and easy and entertaining. At least to me. So let’s get started with the top search terms that got some very lucky viewers to my amazing, wonderful blog.

1.) Happy. Over the past seven days, 115 people found my blog by typing “happy” in a search engine. This makes me happy. I’m currently doing a little research on happiness for a future blog entry, but in the meantime, I’ve come up with a list of small things that make me very happy. Here they are: A colorful sunset, revisiting places I loved as a child (reminds me of Las Simples Cosas), getting letters (or any kind of mail of the non-digital variety) reading a book, watching a movie, sitting in a cafe or listening to Nina Simone/Edith Piaf or Jacques Brel or other deeply felt music on a rainy afternoon, getting into bed when utterly exhausted, country drives, summer thunderstorms, damp, gray dewy mornings, dirt paths in the woods, Vietnamese summer rolls, listening to old Radiolab podcasts during my lunchtime walks, hanging out at my friend Rasha’s house, going to happy hour on Friday’s,  invigorating walks with my mom after work, discussing the state of urban affairs with my brother, hanging out at my sister’s tiny Capitol Hill apartment, talking NPR with my dad, pocket parks, books on tape, delicious pastries, dinner on the deck on a nice day and short commutes. I’m sure there are plenty more, but that’s what I came up with between calls at work. Anyone have any other good ones to add? 

The cutest little jerk in the world.

The cutest little jerk in the world.

2.) A dog named Alfie. They must be talking about this guy.

3.) My dog is two years old and decided to poop on my bed while I was sleeping. It feels good to know I’m not the only one with an asshole for a pet. Unfortunately, this is an all too familiar tale for me. My dog poops and pees everywhere but outside. Click the link above to find out my thoughts on this matter. And Alfie has now learned a new trick that allows him to pee in the house without us finding out until much later: He pees on the vents. Maybe he’s smarter than we give him credit for.

4.) How to prepare for a speed dating event. Here are my suggestions:

a.) Dress to impress.

b.) Convince yourself that you’re much hotter than you actually are.

c.) Drink excessively. It makes convincing yourself you’re much hotter than you are all the easier.

d.) Read this.

5.) What’s the dating scene like in D.C? In a word, competitive. It seems like just about everybody is a contractor, government worker, non-profit worker or all around world-saver. Plus, they’re attractive, fit, talented, highly educated and cultured (this is an exhibits, artisan beer, wine, cheese, book talk, NPR, witty sarcasm-loving kind of crowd).  Think: “My name is Iman Ovachiva. I have a master’s in engineering, play 14 musical instruments and my stock portfolio is doing great this year.” You can read about my experiences in the field here. But I’m really not the best person to give advice. After all, I was told by a guy recently that we “just weren’t carnally combustive.”

6.) How to avoid creepy guys online. Well, I just talked about dating in DC, so why not give my two cents on this matter? Here’s my advice on avoiding creepy guys online:

a.) No picture? No chat. If a guy doesn’t have a picture you can safely assume he’s 1.) Married, 2.) Engaged, 3.) Involved or 4.) Creepy.

b.) Don’t respond to guys who send you generic messages such as: “you have stellar eyes,” “hey cutie, how you doing?” “yummm,” “free hug?” “you really are dangerously cute,” or, among my favorites, “woah, woah woah, stay right there. I have to call heaven. An angel is missing. You can read some of my favorite messages here.

c.) Recognize a booty call when you see one. This is more of an instinct thing. Time will hone this skill.

7.) Chubby girl hiker/Nerd girl in glasses/Beautiful girl with strong glasses/Suburban girl big butt. They have to be talking about me.

Here I am, nerd

Here I am in all my glory: Chubby hiker/Nerd girl in glasses/beautiful girl with strong glasses/suburban girl big butt. Maybe I should change my blog’s name to http://www.thechubbyhiker.wordpress.com. Thoughts? Actually, I kind of like that…

8.) When not to wear a thong? Ever since I posted a picture of thong girl and thong guy I get all kinds of X-rated searches on my blog. But that’s OK. I’ll take my hits however I can get them. Anyway, I think the better question here is when to wear a thong. And my answer is this: When visiting Miami Beach or Rio de Janeiro, if you have an ass like Beyoncé or if you don’t have an ass like Beyoncé but you don’t care because you have confidence like Beyoncé. Otherwise, I strongly believe they should be avoided. They are not very hygienic or comfortable and I’d say they usually don’t offer the most flattering look. 

9.) Elevator dating. I have no idea what this is but maybe I should start taking the elevator at work.

10.) I’m happier in the suburbs. Confession time: So am I. Well, this really isn’t a fair statement since I’ve only lived in non-American cities like Bogotá. But I’ve made my peace with the suburbs. They’re green, they’re safe, they’re diverse and they’re convenient. Sure, I’d love to have a 200 year-old townhouse in Old Town Alexandria, but considering I haven’t found a way to get rich yet, I’m going to have to deal with suburban life. Up for a little suburban exploration? Read about my thoughts on the joys and perils of suburban living.

Categories: Search Terms

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15 replies

  1. I like the chubby hiker, too! But only if you love being chubby and this isn’t you being self-deprecating. I think there’s a better name out there, though…

  2. You are a hoot. Thong girl is a little 2-dimensional from the back. Kind of like looking at a cardboard cutout. Just saying. No one ever got arrested for having a round booty.

  3. I like reading your NPR-rooted, nerd-loving, sarcastic blog posts. Whatever name you choose, let me know so I can keep following 🙂

  4. Ha, this is funny! I like your creativity in moments of lack-thereof!

    How do you find what search terms link people to your blog?

  5. Elevator dating, I’m curious. How do you think it works?
    Do you meet the date in the elevator? Does the date only last as long as it takes for the elevator to reach the top floor? That does sound very efficient. Creepy, but efficient.

    • Haha, I just figured it was something you did if you worked at a big office…like maybe you’ll be lucky enough to meet some really hot guy on the elevator who works in the building. Too bad my building only has two floors.

  6. hahaha @ an asshole for a pet. I had one, a darling cat, with, lets say, “digestive issues.” I’d wake up to the smell of shit with little Malcolm asleep on my head. You know its love if you can tolerate that.

  7. Truly funny but I think my poopy dog would be living outside. As for elevator dating all I could think of was a new definition for quicky. _Curt

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