My cell phone was murdered today. By me. Actually it was more like negligent homicide because it wasn’t premeditated or intentional, but that doesn’t really change the end result.
It all started after my lunch break. I was walking back to my office when suddenly, my cell phone jumped out of my hands and made its way to the ground. I feel like I should take a moment to explain that my hands are haunted. Considering Halloween is just around the corner, I think this is a timely confession. For whatever reason, my hands seem to have extra, uncontrollable energy. Everything flies out of them: Pots, pans, kitchen utensils, plates, computers, cell phones…you get the picture. Actually, my whole body might be haunted. Sometimes, I’m just happily walking along and suddenly, I find myself face down and sprawled on the floor, despite the complete and utter lack of physical obstacles; it’s not like my ankle suddenly gives out or there’s a step I didn’t see. I believe there are invisible forces at work. At least once a week, I’ll wake up with bruises on my legs or arms and a vague recollection of having run into a glass door, table or wall, and alcohol is rarely involved (though when it is, the falls and run-ins are exponentially more dramatic). I think it would be accurate to say that no one has ever called me graceful, not even back in the day when I was a pigeon-toed, 58-pound kindergarten ballerina with caterpillar eyebrows.
But back to today’s story: I was feeling good. I jogged almost a mile without stopping during my lunch break — a physical feat of miraculous proportions by my standards — and was about to check my email for the 408th time when my phone somehow ending up face down in the parking lot. At this point I wasn’t all that worried. My phone has flown out of my hands at least 1,048 times over the last year and the screen has been shattered and replaced not once but twice. Despite numerous attempts on its life over its short time on this earth, my iphone had somehow managed to survive my haunted hands and I’d even gotten used to watching Netflix through a shattered screen. Things were good and I was hoping my iphone and I could make it to July 2014 (free upgrade time!) But it wasn’t to be. I picked up my phone and it was missing chunks of glass and the screen looked like one of those TV channels with no signal, kind of like this:
The most disturbing part about this whole story is that when it became clear that my cellphone had passed on, when multiple attempts to turn it off an on, shake it in the air and plead with it failed, my heart broke a little. I don’t consider myself an overly materialistic person, but the thought of being without my cell phone for even a few hours caused me more anxiety than I usually feel before a first date or an interview for a job I really want. That’s a lot of anxiety. In fact, the following song immediately came to mind:
It’s an unpleasant feeling to realize you are so dependent on an electronic device and I’ll admit the next few hours were hard. I had to go get my car inspected and decided to go to an inspection place a couple blocks from my office. I was already a little anxious at the thought of having to wait for my car without my cell phone but I figured there’d be magazines at least. People, OK! Us Weekly…you know, the kind of intellectually stimulating reading material I enjoy on a frequent basis. But no. It turns out the inspection place I chose was Korean-owned and the only reading materials available were Korean language newspapers! Do you know what it’s like to sit and wait for 20 minutes without a phone, reading material or anybody to talk to? I was a woman out in the world, alone with her thoughts and all those thoughts revolved around the good times my phone and I would be having if only I’d been more careful.
But I survived. My car got inspected and I headed over to Sprint, where for more money than I’d like to admit I had myself a new iphone 5 and an overburdened credit card. I plan to invest in a Lifeproof case for my new phone. Apparently, a Lifeproof case is so life proof that you can actually run over your phone and it will survive. That sounds like the kind of case I need.
Categories: Me, Me, Me