Polar Vortex, Schlock Derivation and my Adorable Dog

1.) The Polar Vortex is upon us. If you live in North America you know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s cold. Real cold. But actually, I probably wouldn’t have noticed it was THAT cold if the news hadn’t told me four million times. Apparently, the term Polar Vortex refers to an Arctic weather pattern, but it kind of sounds like an evil Siberian superhero to me.  And maybe it is, because after a few news reporters threw pots of boiling water in the air to show the audience exactly HOW cold it is outside (water turned into snow mid-air) a bunch of people decided to try it at home and ended up burning themselves with boiling water when the water failed to turn into snow. That sounds like evil forces at work to me. Anyway, I’ve been working on this scarf for about a year or so (slowest knitter in the world) and finally finished it today, just in time for the polar vortex, as a Facebook friend accurately pointed out. I was originally going to give it to my mom, but I’m so attached to it now (we’ve been together for a year, after all) that I can’t bring myself to part with it. Here it is in all it’s lime green glory:

Feeling absurdly, disproportionately proud of myself for this creation.

Feeling absurdly, disproportionately proud of myself for this creation. I suppose creation ’tis all that is. 

2.) Alfie is the cutest dog in the world. I know I said I need to stop taking pictures of him because I’m slowly but surely becoming that annoying lady who takes too many pictures of her dog, but just look at him! Is he not adorable? And is it wrong that I miss him more than I miss the actual humans in my family?

I just want to squeeze him!

I just want to squeeze and cuddle him!

 3.) So I know that in the past I’ve complained about overall lack of originality when it comes to guys’ messages/profiles on online dating sites, but I recently experienced the opposite problem. Before I deleted my online dating profile I got a message from this guy saying “you’re beautiful” or something like that. Not particularly original, I know, but I checked out his profile anyway, and it was amazing. First, it’s important to say he was one of those bushy-bearded, flannel-donning types with thick-rimmed glasses, the type who wears a winter hat even when it’s not that cold outside and maybe doesn’t cut his hair that often. I think you know exactly what I mean, but if not, I’ve done my best to artistically recreate his overall vibe from memory:

This should clarify things.

Schlock derivation.

In his “message me if” section this guy wrote something to the effect (affect? I’ve never been able to figure this out…) of: message me if…you want to wage guerrilla warfare against the swine gentrifiers or hate on plagiarist sneak thieves catchin’ fire amongst the blessed I really didn’t know what to make of this. I mean, here we have a white dude living on Georgia Avenue or Columbia Heights (can’t remember which) yet he wants to wage war on gentrifiers??? Also, I didn’t really understand the second part, so I asked him to clarify. Our conversation went something like this (I may be taking unintended creative liberties here and there):

Me: So, can you clarify your “message me” section? I’m a little confused.

 Him: Symbolically we are all part of the greater narratives of culture and society….it matters only whether we’re part of the problem or the solution.”

Me: Oh, so you are waging warfare against the gentrifying swine? What is your tactic?

Him: Smile a lot and give money to the poor. Be real.

I don’t know if I consider smiling and giving money to the poor guerrilla warfare but I was fully invested in the conversation now. I felt like I was talking to an underground operative living under some oppressive regime or something and I was intrigued. Then he sent me a link to his writings, a blog made up mostly of political essays, so I sent him a link to my writings (one must take advantage of every opportunity for shameless self promotion). I had a feeling he wouldn’t like my blog because it’s not exactly high art, but I was interested in finding out how a guerrilla warfare wager would react to my fluffy me, me, me personal blog. Plus, I’d never talked to someone who takes himself so seriously and I was awaiting my inevitable condemnation in nervous anticipation. And it came. 

Him: Do you not feel overtly affected or subject to schlock derivation when you draw like a Richie Tenenbaum knock off?”

OK, so I knew he was insulting me, but I’ll be honest…I had to do some Googling to figure out exactly how he was insulting me.  This is what I found out: Schlock = (noun) “something, such as merchandise or literature that is inferior or shoddy, (adj) of inferior quality; cheap or shoddy;” Derivation= “the act of deriving or being derived, the source from which something is derived, origin;” Richie Tennanbaum = Creepy brother in The Royal Tenenbaums who is secretly in love with – and constantly draws pictures of – his sister.

Me: No, I am afraid I am not overtly affected or subject to schlock derivation because I draw like a Richie Tennenbaum knock off. I don’t really know if what I wrote made sense, but I figured I was safe if I just repeated his words back to him. 

Him: OK, let me ask you this then, how serious are you about your art? And do you reckon a difference betwixt (yes, betwixt) art and craft?

Me: Not too serious. I mean, how serious can a 29-year old woman be about cartoon-y colored pencil drawings?? My drawings just make me feel happy, like a four-year-old coloring a princess in a coloring book or something.

Him:  Humankind’s first dream was a an aesthetic one, I’m afraid I cannot afford not to take creation serious for it ‘tis all that is.

That’s basically where our conversation ended. I don’t think he could allow himself to talk to someone who can afford not to take creation seriously. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that this was kind of the opposite of the whole “Hey bootyfull u stayin’ out of trouble tonight?” route, and I think maybe I didn’t appreciate the “stayin’ out of trouble” guys enough! Anyway, I’ve decided to take a break from online dating for a while and meet people the old-fashioned way. I foresee lots of bars in my future.


Categories: Alexandria, Me, Me, Me, Online Dating, Random

Tags: , , , , , , ,

7 replies

  1. haha these guys seem to constantly be running around at the Renaissance fairs…

  2. I think I saw that guy in a Seattle coffee shop recently.

  3. Thanks so much for stopping by my blog! I read a bunch of twitter posts about people burning themselves when trying to “make snow” – seems like a lot of people don’t know anything about wind direction! 🙂

  4. Jisel, I’m catching up on your blog and laughed at gentrifying swine and laughed REALLY hard at betwixt! You are so funny.

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