Not OK, Cupid.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I’ve started the whole online dating thing again. I’ve been on seven or eight dates in the last month or so and I have no major complaints about the dudes I’ve met face-to-face. I mean, one talked about zombies too much and another spent an hour telling me about the tragedy that is Tory Spelling’s current financial/marriage situation, but for the most part,  nothing too crazy to report. However, I would like to share some of my online dating profile pet-peeves/concerns with the world, because I know the world really, really cares.

So here it is, my list of online profile turn-offs, in no particular order.

1.)      Bathroom selfies. Not cool, under any circumstances, no matter how much you look like Brad Pitt. The lighting is bad and it’s just weird that you’re hanging out in the bathroom in your underwear taking pictures of yourself. Your abs, however pronounced they may be, do not inspire me to think, now this is the kind of guy I’d like to meet. It fact, bathroom selfies inpire the opposite reaction. I may be biased because my own abs are nowhere to be found and I’m slightly envious, but still,  I’m not a fan of the bathroom mirror selfie. Do any women out there actually like these?

Proximity to your toilet does not make you look sexier.

Proximity to your toilet does not make you look sexier.

2.)      Car selfie. Outdoor lighting is usually flattering lighting, but do you really have no other pictures available? I am a selfie queen (as you know if you read my blog with any frequency) and am in no place to judge, but I wouldn’t post a car selfie on my dating profile. What message is the person trying to get across? I look good when I’m behind the wheel? I’m a reckless driver who clicks and drives? I just don’t get it. I can handle on-top-of-a-mountain-after-a-long-day-of-hiking-type-selfies, but I cannot jump of the driver’s seat selfie bandwagon.

Sunlight brings out the red in my hair.

Sunlight brings out the red in my hair?

3.)      Bed Selfie. This is the worst. Squinty eyes, fluffy hair, arm behind head ridiculous come-hither selfie. Is it just me or is it kind of strange to see strangers in bed?

This does not make me want to come hither.

This does not make me want to come hither.

4.)      Guys involved in polyamorous relationships. To each their own, but I’m not a fan of sharing. Not even my French fries. And I definitely wouldn’t want to be someone‘s “secondary;” I like to be the star of my own show. Anyway, I’ve learned that when one is in a “poly” relationship (what the poly community calls it — I’ve learned a lot), one usually has a “primary” and several additional — but equally meaningful/fulfilling — relationships on the side and everyone gets along beautifully because we’re not supposed to be with just one person blah blah blah because it’s the way of nature blah blah blah.  You’d be surprised how many poly relationships I get invited to.


Not my cup of tea.

5.)      Overly confessional profiles. We all have issues, but I think that OKCupid is probably not the right place to tell the world about your recent mental breakdown, upcoming bariatric surgery or current joblessness. The whole point is to get a date, not scare a date. I guess there’s something to be said about being upfront, but I don’t know…it unsettles me. Maybe not fair for me to say considering I have a blog all about, well, me, but I’m here to judge others, not myself.

6.)      Vegans. It’s probably morally superior and the right thing to do if you really think about it, but I can’t help it. I like men who eat meat. Also, I believe I have found a statistically significant correlation between the vegans and the polyamorous.

weird non-meat

Is it so wrong to eat a burger once in a while? I’m willing to go organic…but not tofu.

7.)      Messages from guys living more than an hour away. I’m not looking for a pen-pal and I’m not really looking to sponsor someone’s fiancé visa at this time, so I just delete these. I’ve gotten messages from guys in Brazil, Jordan, Pakistan, India, Colombia, Indonesia and Turkey. India, in particularly, seems to be an OKC hotspot. And lots of messages from guys in West Virginia and Pennsylvania, which makes me think these must be the loneliest states in the country. Or maybe there just aren’t very many women there, who knows.

Anyway, if you are an unemployed, polyamorous vegan who lives in Bulgaria and likes to post bathroom/car/bed selfies, it’s probably not going to work. But if you are a kind-hearted, meat-eating, relatively monogamous, not-overly confessional, not—too-far away bearded, glasses/cap/ plaid/flannel-wearing lumber-jack-looking kind of guy who doesn’t mind that my abs are no where to be found, please, feel free to message me.

Calling all slightly artsy, Alaskan lumberjack-looking guys...I have terrible Microsoft paint skills though, and this dude turned out looking like a 1950s Latin American revolutionary in a bad Christmas shirt rather than like the kind of guy I might be interested in. Oops.

Calling all slightly artsy, Alaskan-lumberjack-looking-type guys! I have terrible Microsoft paint skills though, and this dude turned out looking more like a 1950s Latin American revolutionary (Fidel Castro?) in a bad Disco Christmas shirt rather than like the kind of guy I might actually be interested in. Oops. I either need more talent or a better computer drawing program.

Categories: Me, Me, Me, Online Dating

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

2 replies

  1. What a hilarious post! I love it. And I agree 100% with everything you write here. 🙂

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