Next Door.

By anomadlife on August 22, 2019 • ( 1 )

Have any of you read American Housewife by Helen Ellis? It’s a satirical collection of essays about house-wife-dom. I mention this because I’m kind of obsessed with Nextdoor right now. I check it multiple times a day and (metaphorically) jump for joy whenever things get a little crazy, which is more frequently than you’d expect. People get heated about the stupidest stuff. Doll found in playground? 10 comments later, some lady is emoji-flipping-off another commenter. Insults about intelligence and mental wellbeing are frequently lobbed. The most mundane comment, say, about car break-ins, turns into a troll match between neighborhood instigators. I’m seriously considering writing a book of satirical essays about Nextdoor. The inner (online) workings of the American suburb are fascinating.

Since I last wrote, there have been lots of car break-ins, runaway dogs and plumbing emergencies, as per usual. But there have also been plenty of noteworthy things that have transpired over the last month:

1.) A dead cat was found on the street. Sad. Also, a sick, injured cat was discovered in a sewer. Also sad. No closure on the sewer cat yet. The dead cat remains dead.

2.) The Deergate OP quit Nextdoor (this is her second time quitting) after getting pummeled for feeding wildlife. However, there appears to be some suspicion that she may be posting under a new alias. See #6. I hope it’s true. I miss her.

3.) An angry neighbor complained about the noisy kids next door and a fierce debate ensued. Some agreed with the neighbor that the noise level was unacceptable, but most basically told her to suck it up and let kids be kids or talk directly to the neighbor rather than bring it up on a public forum. Things got ugly. Accusations were made. People were insulted. The debate continues. I’m not sure this lady will be able to leave her house anymore.

4.) Someone posted about a man in a suspicious white van patrolling the neighborhood in an apparent attempt to steal puppies. The only evidence presented thus far is him petting two puppies that escaped their owner’s backyard. This led to comments about an apparent wide-spread puppy stealing operation hitting the mean streets of outer suburbia. P.S…the suspicious van appears to have been a Verizon van.

5.) Some guy in a Corolla tried to expose himself to a female pedestrian right off a neighborhood street. The perpetrator has not been caught.

6.) Someone, possibly Deergate Writer under her new alias, heard gunshots in her backyard and was VERY miffed when the police did not take her seriously. I’m actually 99.99% sure this is the second coming of Deergate Writer, and also pretty sure she’s on a first name basis with all the neighborhood cops.

7.)_ A very large snake appeared on our patio. I snapped a picture and asked by fellow Nexdoorians if they could help me ID it. Because it was so large, I thought maybe someone’s pet had escaped. Eastern Rat Snake was the consensus. Dozens of neighbors implored me not to kill it (never planned to) and basically told me I was the luckiest person in the world to have this snake on my property, because she would keep rodents away. Some, judging by her impressive girth, informed me we likely have a rodent problem and that’s why she chose our patio as her new home. Some neighbors even asked if they could pick Big Bertha up and bring her home with them. Big Bertha eventually moved on, but I am sad to say that that chipmunk colony that lived in our backyard for many years has been decimated.