Today I decided I need to find a way to get rich. I’ve thought about this in passing before, but today I got serious. I came to this conclusion in the morning while watching Good Morning America. Snooki was on and she was talking about her body transformation and bragging about the fact that she’s the size of a fifth grader. I’ve never watched the Jersey Shore but from what I understand, Snooki is famous (and ridiculously rich) for being really short, getting really drunk all the time and living in a house with all these other people who really like to party. Well, guess what? I’m also really short, I’d say I”m pretty good at getting drunk AND I live with all these other people who also like to party. Sure, they’re my parents and they’re in their fifties — but ask anyone — they were serious party animals in their day. And I feel I’m at least as talented and special as Snooki.
Why shouldn’t this:
Make as much money as this:
Anyway, there I was getting irrationally angry at the the T.V, asking myself why Snooki’s made it in life while I have $800 in savings and student loans that just don’t EVER seem to go down. All morning I thought about how some seemingly talentless people get rich and famous. I mean, I can understand and respect your Meryl Streeps, Hillary Clintons and Mariah Carey’s — these ladies have a clearly identifiable talent/skill and have distinguished themselves in their respective fields. But Snooki? And don’t even get me started on Kesha. Is she only famous because she’s a symbol of all that is decadent and ridiculous in America? What does Kesha have that I don’t? I mean, I know I’m getting close to 30 and my window of opportunity for becoming a pop star has pretty much closed (let’s be honest…most pop stars have had several meltdowns and a couple rehab stints by my age) but still. Kesha did something right and I want to know what it was.
Then there’s George Bush. Really? George Bush got to be president? America suddenly decided it wanted a conservative, inarticulate faux cowboy to lead the country and voila, George appeared? And have you tried getting through a Nicolas Sparks novel? That crap is awful. Cringe-worthy, vomit-inducing, intolerably awful. Yet time and time again his books are on the best seller list and he probably has some big-ass mansion somewhere in the Bible Belt. So yes, there are people out there (apparently millions of them) who enjoy reading Nicolas Sparks novels!
A couple of days ago I wrote about an article entitled Six Harsh Truths That Will Make You a Better Person; the author of that article would probably argue that Snooki, Kesha, George and Nicolas give people/society something they want/need and that’s why they’re rich and famous. America needs a tiny Chilean/Jersey native who drinks too much, a pop star who brushes her teeth with Jack Daniels, a president who refers to Africa as a “nation” and a writer whose characters frequently abstain from premarital sex and stay in love for life? Since the world probably only needs one Snooki, I’m too old to be a pop star, I’m not evil enough to be a politician and I’m not cheesy enough to write like Nicolas Spark, I need to discover what I can give the world that no one else can.
For a while, I thought I could become a world-famous bloggerista, but it turns out that 10,000 hits a month and 153 followers is pretty pathetic by blogging standards (please people, feel free to click on my blog 100 times a day). Apparently, you need like a million hits a month to make it in the blogging world. So I’m one percent there. Thanks to this sobering realization, I spent my morning brainstorming things I’m good at that could possibly make me rich. I came up with the following:
1.) I’m good at talking in accents. Personally, I think I have a great British accent. I can talk in a high-class British accent and a low-class British accent. In addition, I do a pretty good southern accent, and I’m particularly proud of my Indian and Vietnamese accents. And Sofia Vergara has NOTHING on my Sexy Latina accent.
2.) Somewhat related, I can talk like an old-fashioned movie star. I can say things like “Oh daahhhhling, do promise you’ll never leave me!” in a low, raspy chain-smoker’s voice and I sound just like those ’40s and ’50s movie stars. And then I can put my hand on my forehead and pretend to faint as I ungracefully fall onto the sofa. I bet not too many people in the world can do that.
3.) I can kind of draw portraits. There’s always something a little off about them, but maybe I could make a living drawing less than flattering portraits. For example:
Anyway I have other talents beyond drawing unflattering portraits. I can also:
4.) Sing Opera. I mean, I wouldn’t say I’m great and Alfie the asshole always starts whimpering when I get operatic — but I think there’s some unpolished talent there. But is there really a big market for mediocre opera singers? Probably not.
5.) I can cook, write, talk and read really, really fast. Truly, I do all these things with impressive speed. Maybe I could start some show about doing things really fast. I could call it “The Speedy Reader” and show my talents off to the world. The announcer would be like: “Ladies and gentlemen, the Speedy Reader did it again! “Look at her make a meal in 15 minutes!” “Watch her type 100 words per minute!” Listen to her read at lighting speed!” “Can you even understand what she’s saying? Oh my God, she’s talking THAT fast!” There’s got to be a market for this kind of talent.
That’s really all I could come up with. But seriously, why should people like Snooki make it big while I live paycheck to paycheck? There’s got to be something I can do to generate millions. Maybe I should take an investment class or something. If anyone comes up with a way I can make enough money so that I can buy Vietnamese summer rolls everyday of my life without thinking twice about it, I’ll share 10 percent of my wealth with you.